Church bulletin bloopers

[dreadnut]

Favorite Church Bulletin Bloopers
For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery down stairs.

Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.

Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

The third verse of Blessed Assurance will be sung without musical accomplishment.

Evening massage - 6 p.m.

Due to the Rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.

The music for today's service was all composed by George Friedrich Handel in celebration of the 300th anniversary of his birth.

A song fest was hell at the church on Wednesday.

The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

Thursday at 5:00 PM, there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All ladies wishing to be "Little Mothers" will meet with the Pastor in his private study.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes.

The choir will meet at the Larsen house for fun and sinning.

Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.

Missionary from Africa Bertha Belch speaking at Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa".

Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack's sermons.

Announcement in a church bulletin for a National Prayer & Fasting Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals".

Our church youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 pm in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.

Brother Lamar has gone on to be the Lord.

If you choose to heave during the Postlude, please do so quietly.

After communion, we will sing “Crown Him With Many Crows.”

 

[MartyG]

1. The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.
2. The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done
3. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
4. The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.
5. Ushers will eat latecomers.
6. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
7. Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

 

[matsickma]

Based on my read of those announcments it appears the voice-to-text app isn't working very well.I don't use that function myself but I have seen some doozies over the years!

 

[fronobulax]

Based on my read of those announcments it appears the voice-to-text app isn't working very well.I don't use that function myself but I have seen some doozies over the years!

Perhaps, but some of these approach being at least 50 years old and can be explained by a typographical error. The others may go to show that a lack of skill with English and proofreading is not a modern phenomena.

 

[Westerly Wood]

oh my bwahahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[dreadnut]

While talking about a guy in our church, one of our pastors said "He's an integral fart of our congregation"

 

[dreadnut]

It came time for the pastor to invite all the kids up front. He said to one little girl "Oh what a pretty dress you have on!"

She said "Yeah but Mommy says it's a real bitch to iron."

 

[Nuuska]

Pastor asks a boy : "What is brown and sits in a tree?"

Boy : "Normally I'd say it's a squirrell - but since it is you asking - I say it is Jesus!"

 

[Uke]

Four nuns die, go to heaven. At the gate the first one tries to walk in, but St. Peter stops here: "Wait just a minute sister Anne, I have to ask you a question." "Have you ever touched a man's 'member'?" "Well, yes St. Peter, but I was a medical missionary and I was taking care of a man once and my hand accidently touched it." "No problem," says St. Peter, "just dip your hand in that holy water and you're good to go. This scene is repeated with sister Agnes, who also gets a pass for the same scenario. Sister Teresa, at the end of the line is getting very agitated and waves her hands in the air to get Peter's attention. "Yes, sister Teresa, do you have something you need to say?" "Yes, St. Peter, would it be alright if I gargled with that Holy Water before sister Francine sits her big butt down in it!?"

 

[matsickma]

That is hysterical!
And as a Catholic in my youth I know nuns take a lot of vows with some a bit later than others. So St Peter get's to hear a few interesting confessions before anyone get's through those metaphysical gates!
M