All puns intended...

[danerectal]

I got this in an e-mail from my dad today. If they don't do it for you, it can't be done.

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" "Well, It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true; no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said. "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt , and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain ; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband thatshe wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, 0D it's good) .. a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.

21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

 

[kitniyatran]

:lol:
Sent to my entire e-mail address book

 

[JerryR]

Dane - your sermons must be a hoot :!: Bet you start with '7 days without prayer make one weak'. or CHCH - what's missing? U R :mrgreen:

However, given my sick sense of humor this was my favorite :twisted:

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know, I amputated your arms!"

Now I don't know if what's been making our roads more colorful in the UK applies over the pond, but we now have great swathes of orange which denote routes for bicycles, so I'd re-write this one as follows:

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of ornage asphalt under his arm, and says: "A beer please for my friend or he'll kill you - he's a cycle path."

 

[AlohaJoe]

Hundreds of Corn Flakes were found strewn beside the road today... they think it might have been a cereal killer.

 

[Dr. Spivey]

Thanks Dane, now I've got material for all next week at work. :lol:

 

[cjd-player]

:lol: :lol:

:roll: :roll:

Thanks for posting.

 

[dreadnut]

Some drug smugglers were forced to ditch their load at sea. A bale of marijuana washed up on the shore of an island that was home to a great flock of terns, whereupon they all flocked around the bale and devoured it. It seems they left no tern unstoned. :lol: