your best joke of the year

Antney

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here's mine:

a man attends the funeral of a long time friend. he approaches the dead man's wife and asks if he could say a word. the wife replies "please,of course". the man stands up, clears his throat, and the attendees become silent and turn to him. "plethora" he says. the decease's wife reaches out, puts her hand on his arm and says "thank you, that means a lot"
 

dreadnut

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The Dalai Lama walks into a pizza parlor and asks: "Can you make me one with everything?"
 

DougH

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When I was a kid I wanted to play the bass so badly. Now I do.
 

Brad Little

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[FONT=&quot]Interviewer: What do you think of Julian Bream?[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Segovia: Who?[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Interviewer: The guitar player.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Segovia: There's more than one? I'm not the only one?![/FONT]
 

Stuball48

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My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed-I didn't know they really worked.
 

sailingshoes72

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I met a native American guy many years ago in grad school. He happened to mention that his tribe, which lived somewhere in the northern midwest, had lived in a disputed area and recently the decision had finally come down that where they lived was the United States and henceforth they would all be considered US citizens. The fellow's grandfather remarked on hearing the news: "Thank goodness, those Canadian winters were killing me".
 

beecee

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An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened?

"Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
 

dougdnh

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A young New York executive rents a remote cabin for himself in the Maine woods. He wants to get away from it all for the holidays. New Years eve there's a knock on his door. A back woodsy old man is standing there - "I want to invite you over to my new Years eve party!"
Mr NY - Great!
local - Just want to warn you there will be a lot of drinking!
Mr NY - 'Fine, I can put back a few'
local - There's going to be a lot of dancing!
Mr NY - 'I was a dancing fool in college!'
local - There might be some fighting!
Mr NY - ' I was a karate black belt'
local - might be some wild sex!
My NY - 'wow, sounds like fun! - what should i wear?'
local - no need to dress up, it'll just be me and you!
 

walrus

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A young New York executive rents a remote cabin for himself in the Maine woods. He wants to get away from it all for the holidays. New Years eve there's a knock on his door. A back woodsy old man is standing there - "I want to invite you over to my new Years eve party!"
Mr NY - Great!
local - Just want to warn you there will be a lot of drinking!
Mr NY - 'Fine, I can put back a few'
local - There's going to be a lot of dancing!
Mr NY - 'I was a dancing fool in college!'
local - There might be some fighting!
Mr NY - ' I was a karate black belt'
local - might be some wild sex!
My NY - 'wow, sounds like fun! - what should i wear?'
local - no need to dress up, it'll just be me and you!

Oh my, this one made me laugh out loud! Nice!

walrus
 

Stuball48

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The Dallas Cowboys
Will continue if Jerry Jones remains
as chief decision maker and attention grabber.
A top notch coach will gladly listen but not gonna be "ordered" on how to coach. They will tell him to keep his butt in pressbox and out of the limelight. And Jerry cannot make himself do that.
His son is/will be a much better owner!! IMO
 

beecee

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What's the difference between a Dallas Cowboy fan and a Buffalo Bills (me) fan?









A Buffalo fan gets to watch his team play in January!!
 

adorshki

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A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2020 Super Bowl, both box seats.

He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding.

If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at Holy Cross Church, on Lake Ave at 3pm.
The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too.....She'll be the one in the white dress.
 

Stuball48

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A friend of mine has two tickets for the 2020 Super Bowl, both box seats.

He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding.

If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at Holy Cross Church, on Lake Ave at 3pm.
The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too.....She'll be the one in the white dress.

COLD BLOODED!!!!! Even for a joke.
 

Charlie Bernstein

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A husband and wife are Christmas shopping at the mall. The get separated in the crowd. She calls him on her cell phone and says, "Where are you? We have a lot of shopping to get done."

He says, "Remember that little jewelry shop we stopped in years ago? The place with that beautiful diamond necklace I promised I'd buy you when I could afford it?"

Tears welling up in her eyes, she says, "Yes, darling, of course I do!"

He says, "Well I'm in the guitar store right next door."
 

Charlie Bernstein

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A cowboy walks into a saloon, looks around, and says to the bartender, "Where is everyone?"

Bartender says, "They're all off at the hangin'."

Cowboy says, "What hangin'?"

"They're stringing up Brown Bag Bart at noon."

"Brown Bag Bart? Who the devil is that?"

Bartender says, "Aw, you know old Brown Bag. He's that feller always dressed in nothing but paper bags. Shirt's made of bags, his britches, his hat, everything. Why, even his boots is made of nothing but brown paper bags."

Cowboy says, "Oh, shore, shore, I know who you mean. Seen him around here and there. Say, what're they hangin' him for, anyhow?"

Bartender says, "Rustlin'!"
 

dbirchett

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Dad Joke:

What do you get when you cross a dog with a magician?

A Labracadabrador
 

dreadnut

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Two guys walking down the street, they see a dog sitting on the sidewalk, one leg up, licking his privates.

One guy says "I'd like to be able to do that."

His friend says "You probably ought to try petting him first."
 
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