Rules for church worship music leaders

[dreadnut]

So I came up with this list after several years of leading church bands and observing other church bands. Of course, I'm being facetious...

Rules for worship music leaders

• It’s not about talent; it’s about your appearance. You just have to look cool on stage. Earrings and tattoos help. Suit and tie not so much.
• Play LOUD. Bang on your guitar and strut around the stage. This will make it harder for the congregation to recognize your mistakes.
• Make lots of demands on the sound tech until he gets everything “perfect.” Perfect for you anyway.
• Trot out lots of brand new songs every week that no one knows; this will keep you one step ahead of the congregational sheep.
• Gotta have a fog machine for atmosphere, or something.
• A disco ball is cool too. Our previous church had a fog machine AND a disco ball. Whip the congregation into a virtual frenzy.
• Do lots of 7-11 songs; seven words, repeat eleven times. You’ll need to do less songs this way to fill up your time.
• You can’t raise both your hands and play guitar at the same time. Just sayin’.
• Make sure you stay just in front the drummer’s beat, otherwise he’ll think he’s setting the pace. Drummers need to be pushed.
• Subscribe to all the contemporary Christian websites and publications. On your church’s dime of course.
• Smile all the time. This takes lots of practice. Pretty soon your face will be frozen into this expression. Happy, happy is the message you want to convey.
• Take time to explain what the song is saying, because the congregation probably can’t figure it out on their own.
• Whenever playing old classic hymns, do them so slow and dirgy that no one will really want you to do them again. Old folks problem solved.
• Keep moving in and out from your mic to keep the sound tech on their toes. Hey, that’s their job.
• Make sure the words on the screen match the song lyrics. (Or not.) It is also nice for the lyrics to be displayed in time for people to sing them. This shouldn’t be a complex task.
• Always tune to the piano, the piano player cannot tune their instrument like you can. Of course, this is only after you already spent 15 minutes tuning your guitar perfectly.
• Practice? Hey, c’mon, every church service is a practice.
• Take every opportunity to point out the rest of the band members’ shortcomings so they remember who’s in charge. Make sure they do the song exactly as you envision it.

 

[Brad Little]

Hmm, works for some lead guitarists I've known, too.

 

[fronobulax]

 

[rubytoon]

So I came up with this list after several years of leading church bands and observing other church bands. Of course, I'm being facetious...

Rules for worship music leaders

• It’s not about talent; it’s about your appearance. You just have to look cool on stage. Earrings and tattoos help. Suit and tie not so much.
• Play LOUD. Bang on your guitar and strut around the stage. This will make it harder for the congregation to recognize your mistakes.
• Make lots of demands on the sound tech until he gets everything “perfect.” Perfect for you anyway.
• Trot out lots of brand new songs every week that no one knows; this will keep you one step ahead of the congregational sheep.
• Gotta have a fog machine for atmosphere, or something.
• A disco ball is cool too. Our previous church had a fog machine AND a disco ball. Whip the congregation into a virtual frenzy.
• Do lots of 7-11 songs; seven words, repeat eleven times. You’ll need to do less songs this way to fill up your time.
• You can’t raise both your hands and play guitar at the same time. Just sayin’.
• Make sure you stay just in front the drummer’s beat, otherwise he’ll think he’s setting the pace. Drummers need to be pushed.
• Subscribe to all the contemporary Christian websites and publications. On your church’s dime of course.
• Smile all the time. This takes lots of practice. Pretty soon your face will be frozen into this expression. Happy, happy is the message you want to convey.
• Take time to explain what the song is saying, because the congregation probably can’t figure it out on their own.
• Whenever playing old classic hymns, do them so slow and dirgy that no one will really want you to do them again. Old folks problem solved.
• Keep moving in and out from your mic to keep the sound tech on their toes. Hey, that’s their job.
• Make sure the words on the screen match the song lyrics. (Or not.) It is also nice for the lyrics to be displayed in time for people to sing them. This shouldn’t be a complex task.
• Always tune to the piano, the piano player cannot tune their instrument like you can. Of course, this is only after you already spent 15 minutes tuning your guitar perfectly.
• Practice? Hey, c’mon, every church service is a practice.
• Take every opportunity to point out the rest of the band members’ shortcomings so they remember who’s in charge. Make sure they do the song exactly as you envision it.

I'm sorry, but much of this is very wrong. I lead worship for 6 years and attended annual worship lead conferences. Leading worship is a form of prayer, guiding those in the congregation in worshiping God. You don't matter!! Try to do your best musically, but do NOTHING to bring attention to yourself, other that seeing you enjoying worshiping God as you do. You are not on tv. Pray about it ans see where you are lead.

 

[fronobulax]

I'm sorry, but much of this is very wrong. I lead worship for 6 years and attended annual worship lead conferences. Leading worship is a form of prayer, guiding those in the congregation in worshiping God. You don't matter!! Try to do your best musically, but do NOTHING to bring attention to yourself, other that seeing you enjoying worshiping God as you do. You are not on tv. Pray about it ans see where you are lead.

The context was perhaps lacking but it was intended as humor. I think most people would agree with you and the ones who don't agree would describe themselves as mercenaries - musicians who have a gig that supports a worshiping community but they are there because they are being paid and not because they are there to worship.

 

[dreadnut]

I'm sorry, but much of this is very wrong. I lead worship for 6 years and attended annual worship lead conferences. Leading worship is a form of prayer, guiding those in the congregation in worshiping God. You don't matter!! Try to do your best musically, but do NOTHING to bring attention to yourself, other that seeing you enjoying worshiping God as you do. You are not on tv. Pray about it ans see where you are lead.

Yes, as I said "of course, I'm being facetious" in my post. This list is meant to be sarcasm, nothing more.

 

[Nuuska]

Being a foreigner with another mother-of-tongue-language - I noticed that to-me-new word "facetious" - and was somehow expecting it to be what it turned out to be - so reading the "rules" was fun - although as FOH-engineer I couldn't stop thinking how much of that €%&/ I would have taken before I either muted his channels or ultimately expressed my opinion about him/her/it with language that most likely would've cost me my career at said church.

 

[steve488]

Dread your sarcasm is outstanding but I am 100% sure your reality is a polar opposite of your rules. Having been involved with such since the early '70s I would say there are far fewer "real " rules - dress & act respectfully; do the best you can; help your peers and make a "joyful noise".

 

[dreadnut]

Sadly, some items on this list were standard operating procedure at a few different churches I've attended.

 

[HeyMikey]

Hilarious dread!

 

[DrumBob]

I would add: Hit on the prettiest woman in the choir.

 

[Opsimath]

Dread your sarcasm is outstanding but I am 100% sure your reality is a polar opposite of your rules. Having been involved with such since the early '70s I would say there are far fewer "real " rules - dress & act respectfully; do the best you can; help your peers and make a "joyful noise".

"Joyful noise" was written with me in mind. Really.

 

[Opsimath]

That was great. I clicked a couple that came up following. One had Guild content but I don't know how to link to it on the Kindle.



Edit: Got the link. Guild content.

 

[dreadnut]

Ha ha.

I would add: Hit on the prettiest woman in the choir.

 

[Nuuska]

That was great. I clicked a couple that came up following. One had Guild content but I don't know how to link to it on the Kindle.

So hilarious - Thank YOU .

 

[Charlie Bernstein]

I'm sorry, but much of this is very wrong. I lead worship for 6 years and attended annual worship lead conferences. Leading worship is a form of prayer, guiding those in the congregation in worshiping God. You don't matter!! Try to do your best musically, but do NOTHING to bring attention to yourself, other that seeing you enjoying worshiping God as you do. You are not on tv. Pray about it ans see where you are lead.

Wrong but hilarious. Dread is a LetsTalkGuild treasure.

He missed one, though: ALWAYS take the Lord's name in vain (dammit)!

 

[PittPastor]

This is more Contemporary Christian than Worship music (slight difference) but I thought these guys nailed it:

 

[Opsimath]

This is more Contemporary Christian than Worship music (slight difference) but I thought these guys nailed it:

I watched that one this afternoon. Really funny! The two guys pushing the deal were extremely good. They must have practiced their lines a lot.

 

[Nuuska]

 

[Brad Little]

So I came up with this list after several years of leading church bands and observing other church bands. Of course, I'm being facetious...

Rules for worship music leaders

• ....
• Gotta have a fog machine for atmosphere, or something.

Good substitute, one probably on hand at the service, too: