Real life funnies

Opsimath

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Remember Readers Digest and the funny stories people used to send in?

With the fabulous senses of humor that the members here have I'll bet there are some side splitters just waiting to be told.

So whatcha got for funnies?
 

Opsimath

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Before retirement my husband worked for the County. He was in the same building with Mosquito Control. Every year during warm weather Mosquito Control placed what they called sentinel flocks of chickens at different locations around the county. They would draw blood from the chickens and have it tested for mosquito borne illnesses.

Most of the birds were placed on private properties. The County provided the coops, the hens, and the food. Homeowners would feed and water the chickens, and keep the eggs. We had a flock here.

One afternoon husband got back to his office to find a garden hose on his desk with a note from the guys at Mosquito Control which read,

"This new garden hose will replace your previous garden hose which earlier today was mistaken for a snake."
 

Rebosbro

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Thanks for the flashback, Cynthia! Totally forgot about Readers Digest! That was always the first thing I would read!
Paul
 

walrus

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These are actual emails I received from students. I have a bunch, but these would be suitable for Reader's Digest. Some of them aren't!


__________________________________________
This one is short and sweet.

Student: I’m sorry I missed class, but there was a death in my town.

__________________________________________

To be honest, this one had me looking around in the parking lot…

Dead Professor Corcoran,

Thank you for your feedback!

Sincerely,
__________________________________________


walrus
 

Opsimath

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These are actual emails I received from students. I have a bunch, but these would be suitable for Reader's Digest. Some of them aren't!


__________________________________________
This one is short and sweet.

Student: I’m sorry I missed class, but there was a death in my town.

__________________________________________

To be honest, this one had me looking around in the parking lot…

Dead Professor Corcoran,

Thank you for your feedback!

Sincerely,
__________________________________________


walrus
I would like to see more!
 

walrus

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OK, you asked for it.


This one isn’t mine but was sent to me for my amusement. It is clearly a classic.

Student: I don't really understand why you dislike me so much but it is the only thing I can assume considering you refuse to even speak with me. I'm going to keep trying and I'll be stopping by your office as much as possible. I don't think you understand the seriousness of why I need to talk to you, all I ask is that you hear me out and I don't think that’s too much to ask. Please get back to me as soon as you can.

Prof: No. That was last fall. We are in a new semester. I have moved on and I suggest that you do, too.



This one is pretty funny.


Hello professor,

I have run into an issue, while getting ready for my presentation, my dress pants ripped and I grabbed the wrong size for dress shirts (I have two of the same shirt in different sizes) I just wanted to let you know this and was hoping you could tell me how many points would be taken off.

Sorry about this,


And I'll leave you with this one. Unreal.

Hi professor,

I understand. I'm working on both papers and although this isn't a good excuse for not passing in my work on time and being late to the discussion, I had to deal with a situation the other night which I have not been taking well. I went to go pick up my car Monday night from a repair shop around 7:30pm in downtown Worcester and when I was walking to my car, I unlocked it and found a homeless man in it. Not long before we got there he had broken the lock on my door and when he didn't succeed on getting in, he took a screw driver to my window and broke that. He hopped out the other side of the car and when my dad (who is 72 years old) went after him, he punched him in the face and they proceeded to get into a fight. The 60 year old man also admitted to being a "crackhead" and asked what I expected. The worst part about all of this is all the seats in the back of my car were down and he had taken my childhood doll (which I bring when I babysit) and taken the pants off, doing who knows what with it. I have spent hours tried to scrub my car and figure out how we are going to repair the damage that has been done to my car because the owner of the shop does not have insurance and my dad doesn't want to cause him any problems. I feel extremely violated. This situation has caused my anxiety to worsen quite a bit and I have constant worry that this man had possibly been carrying covid-19. With my dad being a 72 year old smoker, his health and safety has been an extreme concern. My current work ethic is not like me and I apologize. I just wanted to give you a reason for why I'm a bit behind, but I will make sure to do my best to catch up and participate on time.


walrus
 

dreadnut

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We were having a garage sale. There were 2 older ladies shopping; when they came up with their items to pay, our 4 year old son proudly announced "I have a big peni$!! Mrs. Dread was mortified. But one of the old gals looked at him and said "Well now, aren't you lucky!"

You're right, you can't make this up...
 

dreadnut

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Years ago when our kids were young, I made dinner one night, set it out on the table, and called the kids in from outside. They just kept jumping on the trampoline. Sometimes kids need a little help and motivation, so I went down into the back yard to get them off the trampoline and bring them inside. As I looked up through the window, I could see our Golden Retriever, Sadie, up on the dinner table chowing down. By the time I got up there, our whole dinner had been consumed.

Sadie nonetheless lived a long, happy life. I think I just ordered a couple pizzas. What else are you gonna do after that?
 

Opsimath

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Years ago when our kids were young, I made dinner one night, set it out on the table, and called the kids in from outside. They just kept jumping on the trampoline. Sometimes kids need a little help and motivation, so I went down into the back yard to get them off the trampoline and bring them inside. As I looked up through the window, I could see our Golden Retriever, Sadie, up on the dinner table chowing down. By the time I got up there, our whole dinner had been consumed.

Sadie nonetheless lived a long, happy life. I think I just ordered a couple pizzas. What else are you gonna do after that?
Did Sadie get in trouble?
 

Westerly Wood

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I got a card to sign on my desk for someone’s birthday. Office cards, you know. So I quickly wrote a happy bday note for the colleague, then passed the card to the next desk.

Came to find out later, it was a condolence card for a death in the family.

It must have been somewhat interesting to get that card and sone wing nut (me) writes, Happy Birthday Rick!
 

Opsimath

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I got a card to sign on my desk for someone’s birthday. Office cards, you know. So I quickly wrote a happy bday note for the colleague, then passed the card to the next desk.

Came to find out later, it was a condolence card for a death in the family.

It must have been somewhat interesting to get that card and sone wing nut (me) writes, Happy Birthday Rick!
I have done similar. I met my husband's cousin at a funeral, grinning like we were at a Christmas party. He didn't grin back. Found out later the funeral was for his dad.
 

Aarfy

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We have a rental property rented out to the forces, so not always occupied.

Received a call a day or so ago (it’s in another town, not close by) that “um....there’s a crow in the house”

so we get some one to swing by, and right enough, there’s a crow, perched on the TV looking out the window, cawing and [****]ting down the tv.

This crow had fallen down the chimney and must have been there a couple of days. Packets of food ripped open. Insanity

crow crap all over the house, sofa etc. so now we are getting a chimney cap and a deep clean. Good thing the tenants were able to laugh it off

Crow escapes, lives to scavenge another day.
 

GardMan

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"The things children say" ;]]]
Along those lines... going back more than 40 years. I was a graduate student in Pasadena, CA. My first wife has a young son, J.P., from a previous marriage.

When J.P. was about four or five, just learning all his colors, we splurged and went to dinner at the "Hamburger Hamlet" in Pasadena, quite a big deal on our limited budget. In the middle of dinner, J.P. needed to go to the bathroom. Now, in this restaurant, the bathroom was located upstairs, accessed by a large, open staircase smack in the middle of the restaurant. We headed on up, and J.P did his #1 business in the urinal... a big deal for a 4 year old. Now... another feature of the bathroom was that they used blue sanitizing/deodorizing blocks in the urinals...

As we descended the open staircase, holding hands so as not to fall, visible to everyone in the restaurant, J.P caught sight of his mother at our table. He called out to her at the top of his lungs "Mommy, Mommy! Yellow and blue make GREEN!" I just about died as every face in the room turned towards us... my wife turned beet red (I'm sure I did as well). For just a second, there was mortified silence, then everyone below broke out laughing, and we continued our descent to our table to a round of applause... with J.P. beaming proudly!
 

davismanLV

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GardMan, what a GREAT story!!! I remember Hamburger Hamlet and even worked at the one in Beverly Hills, although I was more familiar with the ones in Westwood and West Hollywood. What an AMAZING restaurant!! I'd go there if they were still in business!! Harry and Marilyn Lewis if I'm not mistaken..... great spot!!
 
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