Warning for you Married Folks

adorshki

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My aunt, the black sheep of the family before I came along, sent me this:

DON'T FART IN BED

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awakened.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick.
He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out.
Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her!
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband awaken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a bloodcurdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter.
He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
 
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walrus

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Al, that was gross! ...but funny... :smile-new:

walrus
 

F312

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You don't have to be smart to laugh at farts, but you have to be stupid not to.

Ralph
 

davismanLV

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A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.


"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."


She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.


The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"


She says "No, I'm really a blonde".


"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."
 

adorshki

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It's a sight gag?
snapshot-040-a.png
 
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griehund

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You know you're an old happy married couple when you both can fart in bed. Snoring on the other hand.
 

Nuuska

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Now THIS is gross

There was this woman - enormously rich, who had two things.
a - she had never ever been with a man in "that way"
b - she had never ever washed herself "down yonder"

She decided one day - it is time to get me a male. She had seen videos of how things are performed. She thinks of set of attributes, that her to be husband must fulfill. So she advices her servants to look for three men - and the one who licks her two minutes "down yonder" is the right one. Servants are sent away - and after some days there are three candidates - one really royally handsome - one normal - and one disgustingly filthy and ugly. She looks at them and thinks right away "I´ll never touch THAT one" - meaning the third.

Instead she picks the royally handsome - down to "Australia" he goes - and in about ten seconds he faints and is carried out of the room.

The "normal" guy is next in line - but them bells toll to him at 20 seconds - out he goes.

Now this lady gets really nervous - her stomach starts going round round round - but she has to keep the promise. She is about to womit any time now...

The filthy man starts his job licking . . . 30 seconds pass - the woman feels nausea - one minute passes - tongue is wagging - minute and half - the woman feels diarrhea coming any second now - she can not hold it - at 1.45 bucket full of warm **** comes out - but the man is still licking.

Two minute passed - man has done it - promise is promise - so wedding bells are ringing.

While on honeymoon, it turns out, that this guy is actually quite civilized and smart guy with fine manners and gentle personality - actually a perfect companion. So after a month she pulls herself together and asks him how come he could pull it through.

He said - Well it was the worst time of my entire life - and I was sure to be killed - but I just kept going on with hell´s fire blinking in front of my eyes. Just as I was sure I´m done and this is it and I´ll die - a sudden burst of fresh air came from God knows where - and I could easily keep on till the end.




Enjoy

p.s. - I heard this years ago in a musicians funeral from another musician.
 

adorshki

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Oh yeah, Al might have been a blonde at one time, however....:tongue-new:

Joe

Still am, according to the last 40,000 or so follicles that're still producing.
Recently however, I mastered the art of walking and chewing....uhhhh.....chewing....oh well, it was something hard to do.
 

adorshki

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Things are looking up! I was driven off this forum years ago by the politically correct brigade - but maybe they've gone????

Farts ain't political but if anybody complains about borderline grossness we'll get an advisory post from a moderator. Unless they decide it's gross enough to delete.
Jokes about politicians farting, that'd probably be over the edge.
Even if it was an actual news report.
 

chazmo

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A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.


"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."


She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.


The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"


She says "No, I'm really a blonde".


"I thought so," he says. "You have a broken finger."

Bwahahahaha!!!
 
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