Addiction humor

Thunderface

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I went to the doctor the other day for a checkup and he informed me that I am overweight. I told him I wanted a second opinion. He said, "You're ugly, too."

My wife and I got into an argument last night, where she accused me of having a gambling problem and told me I needed to get help. I don't have a gambling problem, I told her sternly. I can stop gambling any time I want.

"You do have a problem, and you need help," she responded. "You can't just quit gambling like that."

"Yes I can," I said, indignantly. "How much to you want to bet?"
 

Thunderface

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Not exactly dyslexia, but...

Bad-Spellers-Untie-White.jpg
 

Default

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Clyde and Elmer decided to po their money and buy a bar. They spend all their money and after a month of fixing it up, it's beautiful. They hire a gorgeous barmaid, decorate the bar, and on the grand opening day.....





Nobody comes to the bar. Clyde and Elmer look at each other and figure the word hasn't gotten out yet.
Day 2: no customers
Day 3: no customers
Day 4: the barmaid, seeing the way the wind is blowing, quits
Day 5:
Despondent, the would be barowners are sitting on the step. Clyde says, staring into the distance, "We should have opened a brothal."
Elmer turns to him and says,"You're an idiot! If we can't get them to drink beer, how the #$@/ are we going to get them to drink broth???"
 

AlohaJoe

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So the same two guys decide to go into business selling watermelons and early the next morning go to a roadside stand and buy 100 watermelons for $1 each. They spend the entire day driving around town yelling "WATERMELONS FOR A DOLLAR, WATERMELONS FOR A DOLLAR!!" Business is pretty good and at the end of the day the truck is empty and they've got their $100 back, minus the $10 they spent on gas.

Adding it up, Clyde looks at Elmer and says "We're gonna need a bigger truck!"
 

adorshki

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davismanLV said:
A guy with dyslexia walks into a bra...... :shock:
I haven't quite completely caught up to the rest of this thread yet, yet, but so far that's my nominee for breast in show.
 

adorshki

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AlohaJoe said:
Adding it up, Clyde looks at Elmer and says "We're gonna need a bigger truck!"
Isn't that the same Clyde and Elmer who were sitting on Clyde's porch passing the jug one afternoon when a truck full of sod rolled by, and Clyde looked at Elmer and said, "I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery", and Elmer said: "Do what?", and Clyde said: "Send my grass out to get mowed".
:?
 

TonyT

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Guys at work one day when he hears a loud voice saying "Quit your job, sell everything, and go to Vegas." He looked around to see that nobody else heard it. So he starts hearing it 3 or 4 times every day until he finally gives in and does what the voice is telling him to do. So he goes to Vegas, gets off the plane and says "What now?". Voice says " Go to the Flamingo Hotel". He does this and again asks "What now?" Voice says "Go to the third roulette wheel from the back wall and bet everything you have on Black." He does this, it comes up Red, and he's lost everything. Voice says "Dammit !!! !".
 

davismanLV

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TonyT said:
Guys at work one day when he hears a loud voice saying "Quit your job, sell everything, and go to Vegas." He looked around to see that nobody else heard it. So he starts hearing it 3 or 4 times every day until he finally gives in and does what the voice is telling him to do. So he goes to Vegas, gets off the plane and says "What now?". Voice says " Go to the Flamingo Hotel". He does this and again asks "What now?" Voice says "Go to the third roulette wheel from the back wall and bet everything you have on Black." He does this, it comes up Red, and he's lost everything. Voice says "Dammit !!! !".
GOOD one, Tony!! How do you think I came to live in Vegas??

I have to go ..... someone's calling me...... :shock:
 

ladytexan

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Great thread! Gosh, simple and funny stuff. I understood most of them. :shock: :lol:

In a similar vein, here is a compilation of Helpful Life Tips gathered from various sources (with a few ladytexan originals thrown-in) :)

• Take time to smell the roses – work hard, play harder
• Take a nap on a Sunday afternoon
• Drink 8 glasses of water a day
• Never deprive someone of hope -it may be all they have.
• Be thankful for every meal
• Don't be afraid to say "I'm sorry"
• Don't take good health for granted
• Don't interrupt
• Don't tailgate
• Improve your performance... by improving your attitude
• Wave at children on the school bus
• Leave the toilet seat in the down position
• Keep it simple, silly (KISS)
• Keep good company
• Keep your promise
• Be kinder than necessary
• Take good care of those you love
• Make it a habit to do nice things for people who will never find out
• Wear outrageous underwear under the most formal business attire
• VOTE!
• Judge your success by the degree that you're enjoying peace, health and love
• Be a good loser
• Be a good winner
• Be romantic
• Live so that when children think of fairness, caring and integrity.... they think of you
• Enjoy real maple syrup
• Never refuse homemade brownies
• Never give anyone a fruit cake (unless it’s from the Collins Bakery in Corsicana, TX - http://www.collinstreet.com/pages/onlin ... _fruitcake)
• Remember other people's birthdays
• Sing in the shower, sing along with the radio/iPOD in your car, ah, just sing…it’s good for the soul
• Don't nag
• Don't gossip
• Don't expect money to bring you happiness
• Be forgiving of yourself and others
• Never give up on anyone - miracles happen everyday
• Say 'thank you' a lot
• Say 'please' a lot
• Take your dog to obedience school – you’ll both learn a lot
• Slow dance
• Don't rain on other people's parades
• Don't postpone joy
• Stop blaming others
• Take responsibility for every area of your life
• Take care of your reputation - it’s your most valuable asset
• Count your blessings
• Whistle
• Marry only for love
• Call your parents
• Do more than is expected
• Be there when people need you
• Be someone's hero
• Travel for adventure – even if only to a neighboring town – expanding our horizons expand our minds and thoughts
• Don’t major in anything minor
• Never cut what can be untied
• Learn to listen – opportunity sometimes knocks softly
• Be cautious of bragging – humility speaks the loudest of your accomplishments
• Give your seat to anyone who seems to need it more than you do
• Smile – it’s like yawning, it catches on to those around you
• Cry when you need to – happy or sad times
• Make your bed everyday
• Read at least five books a year (The New York Times Bestsellers are good choices) – keep a list so you can share your recommendations with others
• Buy a new toothbrush every month
• Change the playlist on your iPOD often – listen to all kinds of music
• Live long and prosper – Spock, The Great Philosopher
• Remember every day -
o When you care about others...
o When you reach out to others...
o When you give of yourself to help others....
o You make a difference.
• Stand and sing when the “Star-spangled Banner” is played – always
• Work at a soup kitchen or charity event at least once in your life
• Hang flags (US, state, alma mater, funny, etc.) outside your house
• Laugh like no one’s watching
• Sing like no one’s listening
• Love like you’ll never get hurt
• Wear socks that match
• Use fewer “bad” words
• Use perfume and cologne sparingly
• Recycle
• Laugh at yourself (often)
• Read/watch news from more than one source
• Plan for fun
• Judge a person by his/her friends
• Know your checkbook balance (daily)
• Congratulate others on their successes
• Do not use email to only send chain letters or jokes
• Give hugs
• Give a firm hand shake – whimpy ones are not an option
• Have a plan – and a back-up one
• Be an optimist – see how things improve immediately just by thinking of the glass as half full
• Learn to drive a stick shift (manual transmission)
• Watch parades
• Support the Boy/Girl Scouts, Future Farmers of America, (FFA), and other youth organizations – our future is in their hands
• Keep current on technology
• Use hand sanitizer
• Know the rules when going through security at an airport – plan accordingly, i.e., liquids, laptops, etc. – you don’t want to hold-up the line
• Try not to make the same mistake more than two times – more than that and folks start to think you are mentally-impaired
• Know the difference between concrete and cement
• Don’t grow up as you grow old
 

taabru45

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Toni,those could be on a roulette wheel,you could spin to get the thought for the day.Steffan
 

zulu

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Nice list, Toni. I find myself coming back to look it over. Like Steffan's idea, I could see an app or something that would make a random item from that list pop up on your desktop or phone each day.
 

taabru45

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How about an updated 8 ball, or fortune cookies too? Actually this would.be way cool tied to a calandet app. Steffan
 

ladytexan

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Steffan and zulu,

I used to weekly post a different helpful tip on the blog section of myspace page (which I have since abandoned and deleted). :)

I like your calendar & app suggestions. Good ideas! :) Perhaps we could start a thread here on helpful guitar hints....simple one or two sentences....i.e., Always check to make sure the TRC is in the right position. ::::sillygrin:::::
 
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