What if?

Carol

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Jerry -- my husband's from the North (a Prod) so he doesn't share that part of the accent! *S*
 

hansmoust

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This is already an old one that I posted quite a while ago but some of you might have missed it at the time.
It was originally published right after the Florida-election debacle, but some of it is still relevant in this thread; obviously the Tony Blair part is not!

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your past failures to properly elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties
over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which
she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP
for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a
world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the
need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of
you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you
should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.

Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you
to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind
of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You
will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons
if they give you any 'merde'. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.
 

JerryR

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hansmoust said:
This is already an old one that I posted quite a while ago but some of you might have missed it at the time.
It was originally published right after the Florida-election debacle, but some of it is still relevant in this thread; obviously the Tony Blair part is not!

NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE

To the citizens of the United States of America,

In the light of your past failures to properly elect a President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties
over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which
she does not fancy. Your new prime minister (The rt. hon. Tony Blair, MP
for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a
world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the
need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A
questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of
you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following
rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you
should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.

Look up "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed".

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know
on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you
to get confused and give up half way through.

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind
of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good
game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your
borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American" football. You
will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football.
Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies).

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons
if they give you any 'merde'. The 97.85% of you who were not aware that there is a world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new
national holiday, but only in England. It will be called "Indecisive Day".

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thank you for your cooperation.



:D :D :D :D :D :mrgreen: :twisted:

Hans - I dub thee an honorary Brit :mrgreen:
 

Jeff

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7. You should declare war on Quebec and France

Yep, I can appreciate your position.

Was the French what loaned us the money to buy the ships, guns & cannons we needed to convince King George to go home & mind his own affairs.

Seems the French been poking the Brits in the eye for centuries.

Far as the Quebecian nonsense goes, that happened under British watch. My personal opinion they can darn well fix it themselves.
 

Carol

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The most important question would be: "Why on earth would the Brits WANT us back?"

We can't spell, only a few of us can read... most of us can't even find our own country on a map. What would you do with us? There are only so many jobs available in your coal mines... and you would have to provide health care for us.

I think you are better off without us!
 

Guildmark

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I have a copy of this NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE in my desk at work. It is credited to John Cleese. I guess that's what one does when one's career is in decline. Those damn yanks. They'll never get anywhere or accomplish anything.
 

West R Lee

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I'll tell ya, if those "Yanks" don't start speaking properly, we the people of Texas can and will secede..................everybody in Texas knows it's not "Good Day".....it's "Buenos dias!". My gosh, the nerve.

West
 

JerryR

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Carol said:
The most important question would be: "Why on earth would the Brits WANT us back?"

We can't spell, only a few of us can read... most of us can't even find our own country on a map. What would you do with us? There are only so many jobs available in your coal mines... and you would have to provide health care for us.

I think you are better off without us!

Carol - didn't you hear - Margaret Thatcher closed the coal mines :)

If we had the US back, we would at least have somewhere to send our undesirables (Oz Land won't take them any more) :mrgreen:
 

Carol

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JerryR said:
Carol - didn't you hear - Margaret Thatcher closed the coal mines :)

If we had the US back, we would at least have somewhere to send our undesirables (Oz Land won't take them any more) :mrgreen:

Isn't that how we got started in the first place? Seems like some of those Pilgrims weren't too popular at home!
 

fronobulax

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Carol said:
Seems like some of those Pilgrims weren't too popular at home!

But they wanted to leave :)

I know at some point a lot of immigrants in the Colonial Period were people who just had no prospects in the old country - think of a younger son who would never inherit the family farm. However, you don't have to dig too far to find people whose prospects in the homeland were jail or debtor's prison.

As far as we know, however, none of the Colonial immigrants brought Guild guitars over with them, probably because they were 300 or so years too early :)
 

Graham

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fronobulax said:
- think of a younger son who would never inherit the family farm. However, you don't have to dig too far to find people whose prospects in the homeland were jail or debtor's prison.

Kinda like the sub prime and negative amortization borrowers of today. :shock: Now where will they go? :wink:
 

Guildmark

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JerryR said:
West R Lee said:
I'll tell ya, if those "Yanks" don't start speaking properly, we the people of Texas can and will secede..................everybody in Texas knows it's not "Good Day".....it's "Buenos dias!". My gosh, the nerve.

West

Hasta lluego West :mrgreen:
Sorry you got lumbago, West. :(
 
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